Yes indeed, confidence can be really hard to come by when you’ve been struggling to get pregnant! It’s hard to keep getting back up and believing in yourself when you’ve been knocked down so many times! I for sure get it.
But let’s talk a little bit about why confidence is so important when you’re trying to conceive. (It’s so important, in fact, that it’s one of my “4 Cs” to a better fertility journey, which you can read about here.)
Confidence Helps With Many Things Like:
Decreased Stress, Fear and Anxiety
Confidence helps you eliminate negative self-talk, and get a grip on rumination or repetitive worrying.
Greater Resilience
Confident people are much better at handling setbacks, challenges, and all the many things that fertility issues can send your way.
Better Decision-Making
When you approach decisions feeling proactive and empowered, you’re more likely to make good decisions than when you look through a lens of desperation and overwhelm.
Better Relationships
Ironically, when you’re feeling more confident, you can focus a bit less on yourself and a bit more on others. Who hasn’t wanted to feel more connected to a partner on this journey?
A Happier Life
I feel like I don’t need to explain this one. Everyone deserves it.
And finally, what I consider to be the very most important reason why it’s so important to build your confidence when you’re trying to get pregnant:
Your body listens to absolutely everything your mind says, and when you don’t have confidence in your body, your body throws up its proverbial hands and says, “Nope, I guess I can’t.”
You can think of your body as a small child, and your mind as the parent. We all know that when a parent repeatedly lets a child know they don’t have faith in them, the child internalizes that message and no longer believes in him or herself either. Sit with that for just a minute.
But my body just keeps letting me down…
That is kind of the crux of fertility problems, isn’t it? And if you’ve been at this for a long time, it might feel impossible to cultivate any confidence in your body. That’s understandable (although I’d still love it if you tried!), but as it turns out, when it comes to fertility, there are lots of different things you could work on building confidence around. Here is a quick list:
You want to feel confident that you’re taking the necessary steps to move you forward on your journey.
You want to feel confident in your wholeness and self-worth as a person right now and always, regardless of whether you have a baby or not.
You want to feel confident in your ability to speak up for yourself, to ask questions when you don’t understand, and to be your own best advocate.
You want to feel confident that you’re surrounded by people who care about you and support you.
You want to feel confident that when you reach the end of your journey, regardless of the outcome, you will go on to live a very happy and fulfilled life.
Stop Your Negative Self Talk Right Now!
We are often our own worst critics, right? Well, fertility issues aren’t exempt. We tell ourselves all kinds of negative things: “My body is broken.” “I’m clearly not worthy of being a mom.” “My partner is for sure going to leave me–I would leave me!” And the list could go on and on and on.
But Oh. My. Goodness. Those are horrible things to say. You would never, ever say any of them to a friend who found herself in your shoes, so why in heaven’s name would you say them to yourself?! As it turns out, flipping your negative self-talk on its head is one of the best ways to rebuild your confidence. I’m going to take you through a 4-part process that you can use on your own to get it done.
Step 1: Knowing is Half the Battle
You’ve got to be aware of your negative self-talk before you can do anything about it. Some of you are probably already keenly aware of the things you tell yourself over and over, while others might not be so dialed in. If you fall into the first category, you can simply make a list of the things you tend to tell yourself.
If however, you’re not totally sure, you’ll need to start paying some attention to your inner chatter. When you hear a negative thought, make note of it (on paper, if you’re able). You could even set some check-in times for yourself where you spend a few quiet moments scattered throughout the day to see what’s bouncing around in your head. Once you become aware of your negative thoughts, you’ll be able to notice which ones pop up more frequently, and you’ll also begin to notice what triggers those thoughts.
Step 2: Challenge Your Thoughts to a Duel
That’s maybe going too far, but it’s basically the idea!
Now that you're tuned in, you can challenge those negative thoughts head-on. Start by questioning the validity of those thoughts. Are they really true, or are you just stuck playing on repeat? Look for concrete evidence that supports or contradicts those negative beliefs. For instance, if you catch yourself thinking, "I'll never get pregnant," ask yourself if there have been other times in your life when things didn't go as planned but eventually worked out.
Or maybe you’ll notice the small victories or moments of progress that you'd initially overlooked. When you shine a light on these instances, you can start to see that your negative narrative might not be the whole story.
Step 3: Reframe, Reframe, Reframe.
This is the part where you flip your negative thoughts on their head. You take what you learned in step 2, and you craft new, maybe positive, but at the very least neutral, thoughts to take their place. Let’s look at some examples:
This: "I'm afraid that my partner will leave me if I can't get pregnant."
Might become this: "I trust that my partner and I have a strong bond that goes beyond having a baby. We will navigate this journey together with love and support, regardless of the outcome."
This: “My body is broken and I’ll never get pregnant.”
Might become this: "My body is resilient and capable of amazing things. I trust in its ability to heal and adapt, and I remain open to the possibility of getting pregnant."
This: "My fertility problems must be a punishment for something I've done."
Might become this: "I believe in my worth and see challenges as opportunities for growth, rather than punishment."
A Quick Word About Believability
In order for you to effectively squash out your negative self-talk, the thought you use to replace it has to be something that you actually believe.
As an example, let’s go back to the thought, “My body is broken and I’ll never get pregnant.” You could re-frame that thought as, “I know that one day my body will figure this all out, and I will get pregnant.”
If that statement feels good to you, and you can buy into it, then go with it. But what if you can’t? What if it doesn’t feel right to you, or after all this time you have such deeply ingrained doubts about your body’s ability to do what it should? In that case, you’ll need to adjust the sentence so that the language meets you where you are right now.
The easiest way to do this is to include language that allows you to be uncertain or undecided, but also open and curious. And in fact, if you look at the example I wrote in Step 2 above, I did just that: “I remain open to the possibility of getting pregnant.”
Other phrases you can work with include:
Every day I am becoming…
I trust in the process of...
I welcome the possibility of...
I am embracing the journey of...
I am learning to...
Every step I take leads me closer to...
I am open to receiving...
I am discovering new ways to...
I am allowing myself to...
Every experience is shaping me into...
Step 4: Affirmations!
Now that you’ve come up with some healthier, more helpful thoughts, it’s time to practice them so they really sink in. These are your very own, custom-made affirmations!
You can:
Write them on index cards and hang them up around your house, work, car…anywhere you’ll see them frequently.
Put them into the notes app on your phone and set a few alerts so you remember to look at them throughout the day.
Write them down and read through them every morning when you wake up, and again before you go to bed.
And most importantly, you need to watch for the moments when you slip back into negative self-talk, so you can replace it with your reframed thoughts.
At the end of the day, rebuilding confidence on your fertility journey isn't so much about positive thinking; it's about cultivating a mindset of resilience, self-compassion, and belief in your own worthiness. It's about recognizing that you and your body are on a unique path, and that every step forward, no matter how small, is a victory worth celebrating. So, as you continue on your journey of self-discovery and empowerment, remember that you are not alone. Reach out for support when you need it, practice kindness and compassion towards yourself, and never underestimate the power of belief in shaping your reality!
